BRAZIL 3-0 CHILE

So maybe I jumped the gun about Holland beating Brazil.

They look seriously good.

When you've won five World Cups, is it easier to make it six?

Probably.

And Robinho is looking like a World Beater. So is Kaka. And Luis Fabiano. Oh, and the entire back four. And they've probably got the best goalkeeper in the competition. Time to reasses me thinks...

4-0 Holland; Robben hat trick and one for the wee man:



In other news: are Andy Townsend and Gareth Southgate sharing a flat in South Africa? Seriously. A week or so ago, Matt Smith (not Doctor Who) made a "joke" on air about one of them leaving a load of washing up for the other one. It was weird, but I let it go. There's just something very suspicious, and strangely sinister, going on in the ITV studio.

And I don't mean Edgar Davids.

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Slovakia 3-2 Italy

Player of the tournament: Thomas Muller (Germany)

Goal of the tournament: Tevez (Argentina v Mexico) - [2nd goal]

HOLLAND 2-1 SLOVAKIA

What is it with Holland? Are they going to win this thing or what?

They've been so consistently uninspiring: winning all of their games without fuss; leaving the in-camp combustion to the French; and quietly getting all their top players back to full fitness without moaning about it. Nobody is really paying them too much attention yet.

Nobody is properly talking about them.

They're starting to look suspiciously like Italy in the last World Cup.

And now this talented Dutch squad are likely, Chile notwithstanding, to face Brazil. If anyone is going to beat Brazil, it'll be the team who haven't shown any real flair or attacking invention. Brazil, when they are beaten in World Cups, tend to be undone by the team who have looked solid and organised prior to meeting them: the team who look difficult to break down, but have enough quality up front to make even a handful of chances feel decisive.

That team, so far, is Holland.

I'd just love to see a bit more of this:



Looking at Frank de Boer, keeping it casual in his porn-star-grey suit on the Dutch bench, I bet he could still hit a 70 yard pass and land it on Robben's toe today.

And he'd do it in brogues too.

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Slovakia 3-2 Italy

Player of the tournament: Thomas Muller (Germany)

Goal of the tournament: Tevez (Argentina v Mexico) - [2nd goal]

ARGENTINA 3-1 MEXICO

Oh brilliant - now my second team are out as well!

But at least they went down fighting - almost literally. And surely that's what the England players should have done after Frank Jnr's phantom goal: surround the linesman (sorry, Referee's Assistant) and refuse to play on until he's looked thoroughly ashamed of himself... and then play on and concede two more goals.

So at least our boys got the second half of that equation correct.

It's a shame to see two good sides paired up this early in the tournament - this game had enough quality on show to be at least a Quarter Final - which is something we thought could also be said about Germany-England (prior to kick-off anyway). But second round it was and, if this knockout phase is teaching us anything, it's that football history has a way of repeating itself.

And so, just like at the last World Cup: Argentina knock Mexico out at the last 16 stage, in one of the games of the tournament so far, with a potential goal of the tournament sealing their win (goodbye Tshbalala - 17 days and 51 games unbeaten).

Please note how I refer to this flashback as being from the previous World Cup. As the tournament has gone on I have become increasingly obsessed by the insistence of commentators (both radio and TV) to discuss trivia in calendar years rather than measuring time in tournaments. It's misleading to the point of being ridiculous.

For example: when it was dramatically announced that Italy are "the first defending champions to fall at the group stage since 2002" this actually meant: France went out in the first round just two World Cups ago, and THEY were World Champions!

When Denmark's appearance in the competition is described as "their first tournament since 2002" this translates as: the Danes skipped the one in Germany.

At the beginning of the 2014 World Cup, assuming we qualify, England will have been unbeaten in World Cup finals matches for four years. If anything, failing to qualify could see us stretch this record even more impressively. Actually, this might be worth considering...

Scotland haven't lost a World Cup match since 1998:



THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Slovakia 3-2 Italy

Player of the tournament: Thomas Muller (Germany)

Goal of the tournament: Tevez (Argentina v Mexico) - [2nd goal]

GERMANY 4-1 ENGLAND

Here's a cartoon:



THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Slovakia 3-2 Italy

Player of the tournament: Thomas Muller (Germany)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

USA 1-2 GHANA (AET; 90mins 1-1)

At the risk of completely missing the global consensus on this one: the USA were unlucky not to get through here. They created a host more chances than the-last-remaining-African-country-in-the-first-African-World-Cup, particularly in the second half, and should have got more from this game. They at least deserved a crack at penalties.

So no, sorry: I don't buy into this 'there needs to be an African team left in the tournament'. Not if they're not good enough there doesn't. If it's so important to have all continents represented in the later stages, FIFA should change the way teams are seeded (see North Korea 0-3 Ivory Coast entry), not just patronise a footballing community that they seemingly ignored and exploited for decades.

Unfortunately, this is a tone that has also been adopted by broadcasters. Both the BBC and ITV have, at times, been guilty of treating this World Cup like Comic Relief.

Don't even get me started on 'the bus'.

Although I wasn't particularly rooting for Ghana, I do think that both they and the USA are pretty decent sides, with some good individual performers. I've got a lot of time for Michael Bradley - a midfielder currently holding his own in the Bundesliga - and Asamoah Gyan, despite being given the left back's shirt (number 3), took his goal like an Alan Shearer-style centre forward.

Ghana also have Kevin Prince Boateng, who is challenging Landon Donavon as most irritating player of the tournament: a battle that proved an interesting sideshow here.

There's just something a bit creepy about KPB. Plus: he's not actually that good, is he? Always annoying when players you don't rate keep scoring goals. Look at Darren Bent.

And will the Ghana team please stop dancing. If it didn't feel like an audition for a soft drinks commercial it might be endearing. But it's not 1990 and their star player is not called Roger.

Although, interestingly enough, he is called Kevin:



THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Slovakia 3-2 Italy

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

URUGUAY 2-1 SOUTH KOREA

I do like football in the rain - both playing and watching.

This game came to life when the heavens opened.

Football matches in the rain naturally become quicker and more likely to produce a defensive mistake, or a slip in midfield that can change the momentum of a tie, but the downpour made this one suddenly seem more dramatic.

Here's a game that looks better in the second half thunderstorm:



Uruguay probably deserved to go through here, but South Korea are a decent side. I particularly felt for Park Ji-Sung. He carved the Uruguayans open two or three times here, only to be let down by some terrible finishing from his team mates.

Also: South Korea are surprisingly good in the air.

I'm just saying...

After this game I went to a barbecue. It was that kind of evening.

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Slovakia 3-2 Italy

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

CHILE 1-2 SPAIN / SWITZERLAND 0-0 HONDURAS

And the anti-climaxes continue...

The third and final round of group stage matches appear to have reached their peak with Slovakia-Italy, and then quietly fizzled out.

That's certainly what happened here as Spain - looking better with every match - and Chile spent the last ten minutes enjoying, what appeared to be, an outdoor picnic rather than a football match; safe in the knowledge they were both going through.

Two Swiss goals in Bloemfontein would have spoilt their latin tea party but, as regular readers of this blog will testify, Switzerland have only scored five World Cup goals in 16 years, so the chances of them getting two in one night were pretty slim.

They kept another clean sheet though. Against Honduras.

I'm sure that was a comfort on the flight back to Geneva.



Spain are consistently scoring the best goals of the tournament, without quite scaling the heights of Tshbalala's opening salvo. However, the excitement caused by Senors Villa and Iniesta's finishes, I'm sportingly using as justification for flustering Clive Tyldesley. As the group stage wound down, Clive informed ITV viewers that Uruguay would, in fact, be playing NORTH Korea in the first knockout match of the 2010 World Cup.

Either Clive was confused or Kim Jong-il's influence stretches much further than we thought.

Somebody call FIFA...

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Slovakia 3-2 Italy

Player of the tournament: Keisuke Honda (Japan)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

PORTUGAL 0-0 BRAZIL / NORTH KOREA 0-3 IVORY COAST

What a crushing anti-climax...

You have to feel for Sven's Elephants - they're likely to be the eliminated team with the best group stage record (4 points, a positive goal difference), but what will they have to show for it?

Zip - diddly - squat.

But that's what happens when you're drawn in a group with the teams ranked 1 and 3 in the World. The Ivorians must look at Italy (in with numbers 31, 34, and 78) and wonder if they would have made quite such a hash of Group F as the Azzurri managed. Although, to get that draw, Cote d'Ivoire would need to be seeded. And if they continue to fall at the first hurdle on the world stage, coupled with their failure to win the Africa Cup of Nations since 1992, they never will be.

Ah, the cruel cyclical nature of international football. And FIFA wonder why an African team has never got past the Quarter Finals...

With Brazil and Portugal progressing however, we're guaranteed a couple of cracking last 16 games - one of those should face Spain.

The best Second Round game of the last World Cup, was settled thus:



And Argentina face Mexico at the same stage AGAIN on Sunday.

Yes please!

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Slovakia 3-2 Italy

Player of the tournament: Keisuke Honda (Japan)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

DENMARK 1-3 JAPAN / CAMEROON 1-2 HOLLAND

Group E has been a real problem child.

It just never really came to life.

Cameroon-Denmark was a decent game, and Japan have been fun, but compared to the tension and excitement in some of the other groups, this has felt like the poor relation. And I blame Holland.

As the seeds, you would expect them to set the tempo and dictate the shape that the rest of the group will take on over the three rounds of games. But Holland have been so boringly solid. They've been good without being brilliant; well-organised (euphemism alert!) without being too negative; and - worst of all - they never really looked in danger of finishing with anything less than nine points.

Thanks a bunch, Holland! Just because the French took over internal-implosion duties this time around, doesn't mean you lot can suddenly be all... sorted.

Perhaps the Camp Oranje has missed the unpredictable temperaments of Clarence Seedorf - currently to be seen in the BBC's regular feature "Clarence Seedorf is Drunk" ("this week, Clarence Seedorf is Drunk... in Cape Town" etc.) - and Edgar Davids - the only man on the ITV team watching this World Cup in 3D.

Having said that, I still think Wesley Sneijder could be one of the players of the tournament, and RVP is starting to look annoying; usually a sign of his increased effectiveness.

Talking of Players of the Tournament, I've got a new one (sorry, Diego!) as the Japanese continued to offer a glimmer of Rising Sun in my least favourite Group.

You wait 35 games for a goal to be scored direct from a free kick, and then three come along in the space of three days. And all scored by teams from the Far East.



Take that Hong Kong!

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Slovakia 3-2 Italy

Player of the tournament: Keisuke Honda (Japan)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

PARAGUAY 0-0 NEW ZEALAND / SLOVAKIA 3-2 ITALY

My friend, the hair stylist, J.K.B Keyswatter sent me a text via the medium of the mobile phone, exclaiming that this was World Cup football at it's very best.

I am inclined to agree.

In a Soho pub, the Italy match was taking place downstairs in front of a packed bar. Upstairs, in a smaller room with a closed bar, the New Zealand game was showing to a small cluster (I believe that's the collective noun) of Kiwis.

To my surprise, this cluster included Strictly Come Dancing dancer, and professional New Zealander, Brendan Cole.

Brendan was to be left disappointed however, as the All Whites became the first team to be eliminated from this year's tournament without actually losing a game. In fact, the New Zealand team are now unbeaten in World Cup finals matches since 1982. But that's statistics for you.

Meanwhile, downstairs: the defending World Champions were being unceremoniously dumped out of the tournament in a game that, until they were 2-0 down, Italy seemed convinced they would win simply by being Italy.

The last twenty minutes or so were absolutely electric: the pained Italian faces at the bar were in stark contrast to the smirking English faces out on the street, as people snuck a glimpse at the score as they strolled home from work.

I just hope we're still smirking on Sunday...

A favourite moment of mine in this one, saw Gianluigi Buffon (how they missed him!) reacting in horror to Pepe's stoppage time miss. Leaping up from the bench, along with the rest of his team mates, he threw his hands to his head in shock - only for his fingers to freeze before being allowed to run through his hair.

I've made it a rule of thumb not to include video clips from this tournament but, if you get the chance, check it out. It's amazing!

Even at the point of being eliminated from the greatest show on Earth, our Luigi still managed to compose himself, clinging onto the sub-conscious realisation that if those digits entered his folical jungle, they might not have come out alive. The amount of gel would have done for them. He just couldn't risk the mess.

Some say football is far more important than life and death.

But, while the World Cup is only every four years, an Italian goalkeeper's hairstyle is for life.

Bravo Buffon's bouffant!



THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Slovakia 3-2 Italy

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

GHANA 0-1 GERMANY / AUSTRALIA 2-1 SERBIA

It had to be Germany. It was never really in doubt.

Cracking atmosphere for this one. Superb local cafe (see Greece 2-1 Nigeria) showing both games provided ample atmosphere alongside a double screening.

Our party was seated on the Aus-Serb side of the external seating area, positioned perfectly between a group of Australians (behind) and Serbians (in front). We found ourselves cheering on the antipodeans, primarily because the Serbians were smokers and threatened to put us off our burgers.

The Gha-Germ side of the divide kept us updated on the score via the solemn faces of the England fans as Mesut Ozil scored an absolute peach to confirm the inevitable. I'm already come in for a bit of flack for not picking Ozil as my Player of the Tournament, and now I might be in danger of upsetting Mesut-fans by keeping faith with Tshbalala too. The boy is clearly a talent, but he's not single-handedly taken his team through to the last 16. He just doesn't take enough set pieces...

Although it was ultimately to no avail, great to see Tim Cahill score with a header. I'm genuinely of the opinion that he's currently the best attacking header of a football in the English Premier League. Seriously.

This is not a header:



THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Portugal 7-0 North Korea

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

SLOVENIA 0-1 ENGLAND / USA 1-0 ALGERIA

Relief.

Pure, unadulterated relief.

All we need now is for Wayne to score a goal. At the moment he's trying too hard and he doesn't look fit enough to do that. He should take a leaf out of regular reader of this blog Lionel Messi's book. Relax. Take some pressure off himself. Watch some cartoons.

Meanwhile, the USA are deservedly through but, having just watched him interviewed on the BBC, my goodness me: Landon Donavon is annoying.

Commentary-wise, Guy Mowbray was the shock choice for this one. Presumably John Motson has passed on, while Jonathan Pearce simply could not be dragged away from his buffet lunch. Elsewhere, Martin Keown was back behind the mic for the US-Algeria game...



THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Portugal 7-0 North Korea

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

NIGERIA 2-2 SOUTH KOREA / GREECE 0-2 ARGENTINA

England - Slovenia kicks off in 49 minutes time, so let's get this out of the way quickly:

Argentina are good.

Lionel Messi WILL score the goal of the tournament - it's just a question of when and against who...

Greece are an ugly footballing side - good riddance to them.

Hooray for South Korea and the first goal scored direct from a free kick! South Korea also gave away the single most obvious penalty in the tournament so far and their first equaliser was completely and brilliantly accidental.

To say anything about Yakubu's miss would be cheap and lazy:



Now to Defore & Milner: two names to strike fear into the hearts of international football fans everywhere...

Pray.

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Portugal 7-0 North Korea

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

MEXICO 0-1 URUGUAY / FRANCE 1-2 SOUTH AFRICA

A frustrating wireless / broadband connection in central London left my experience of the France - South Africa game simply bizarre.

At one point France scored, only to then seemingly have their goal, and about ten minutes of time, wiped off by a magical South African force field. Unfortunately for Bafana Bafana, even these superpowers were not enough to see them through to the last 16, which is a real shame. I was hoping the hosts would squeeze out of Group A at the expense of Uruguay, but you don't always get what you wish for (see England-Algeria).

Meanwhile Mexico (officially now my second team in this World Cup) made it through, despite losing to Diego II and his double World Cup winning chums. That result will now see the North Americans face Diego I and his own double World Cup winning chums:



THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Portugal 7-0 North Korea

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

SPAIN 2-0 HONDURAS

We are now exactly halfway through the 2010 World Cup.

32 games played - 32 games still to play.

We're also at the end of the 2nd round of group games and only TWO teams have guaranteed qualification (Holland & Brazil) and only TWO teams are out (Cameroon & North Korea). It feels like there's been less riding on the final round of group games in previous tournaments. Are the weaker nations getting better? Or are the old guard just not playing very well?

Spain are certainly starting to play better - although Nando could do with a goal.

Villa's first goal here is a contender for goal of the tournament. But, you know me: I don't like change.

Speaking of Villa goals:



THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Portugal 7-0 North Korea

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

CHILE 1-0 SWITZERLAND

This was the first goal that Switzerland had conceded at a World Cup finals since Txiki Begiristain scored a penalty for Spain, in the 86th minute of a second round tie... in 1994.

Not meaning to take anything away from the Swiss, but this sounds far more impressive than it actually is. They didn't qualify for the finals in 1998 or 2002.

And to find a little more perspective, since conceding that Spanish penalty, the Swiss have only scored five World Cup finals goals in the last 16 years.

But that's statistics for you.

Meanwhile, a second 1-0 win of the tournament for a decent-looking Chile side who yet again, can accurately be described as 'good value'.

Like buying baked beans in bulk. Or like Tom Hanks on a chat show:



THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Portugal 7-0 North Korea

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

PORTUGAL 7-0 NORTH KOREA

Wowzers!

What a lot of fun those Portuguese had - in stark contrast to poor North Korea, who follow Cameroon out of the tournament.

Cristiano Ronaldo is an interesting human being. Supremely talented, but so often difficult to like. And yet here, he suddenly seemed less snarling, less cocky and, quite simply, less irritating.

One suspects that the nature of the scoreline and the quality of the opposition may have been a factor in his shift in attitude. In the second half, as their plucky but defensively flawed opponents went in search of an equaliser, Ronaldo and co. were able to enjoy their football in a way that professional, certainly international, footballers rarely get to do in competitive matches.

Portugal swept forward like the show-offs you imagine them all to have individually been when they were the best players in their youth teams. Or maybe even more so: this was like a flashback to the playgrounds of Madeira, where a little lad called Cristiano must have been the best player in his school by an absolute country mile.

Yes, he's a show-off - but if I was that good at football (or indeed anything!) I'd show off until my mum called me in for tea. And then I'd take my ball with me to make sure that none of my friends could play without me.

Wave after wave of fast, free-flowing, exciting, attacking play - even when they were six up - this was a side who were loving playing football and didn't want the game to end. Yes, the opposition were very poor. But I'm not convinced England would beat them 7-0. I'm not convinced that our boys currently have the same joy in their game. Do they love the beautiful game enough to want to score this badly? To take the necessary risks in order to craft a moment of World Cup magic.

Or would we be too terrified of falling over the ball when while attempting a step over, therefore making a laughing stock of our forward line in the eyes of the world (at least Emile was trying to do SOMETHING!)?

But I digress. All I really wanted to say is: Ronaldo and I had a great time in this one, and I was over the moon when he finally, and deservedly, got his goal.

Regardless of the opposition, this was a real treat.

Football is fun again.



THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Portugal 7-0 North Korea

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

BRAZIL 3-1 IVORY COAST

Diving has been pretty standard on the international football arena for many a year now. But surely the whole "hands to the face" thing is a bit of a cliche, right?

I mean, Rivaldo did it eight years ago. It wasn't funny then, and it isn't funny now. I'd rather remember Rivaldo nearly scoring, what would have been, one of the all-time great European hat-tricks:



This evening, meanwhile, Kaka was outshone by Robinho - and I didn't think I'd be saying that a few months ago. The on-loan Manchester City man is having a cracking World Cup. He and Elano (another Eastlands old boy) are making Shaun Wright-Phillips and Craig Bellamy look like cheap imitations. Funny that.

Luis Fabiano got a couple of crackers. Sure, his second was a handball. Two handballs. But the first one was a beauty. So much so that... no, I can't. Not just yet. Tshbalala and I have been through too much together.

The most striking thing about this match though was Sven's tan.

If he takes nothing else away from his spell as Ivorian manager, at least the Swedish lothario will leave with a nice bit of colour in his cheeks. That, and about £2million.

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Spain 0-1 Switzerland

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

ITALY 1-1 NEW ZEALAND

New Zealand are fun.

This game was enjoyed over Sunday lunch at the cousin-in-laws.

Lovely spread and another lovely result for the All Whites, this time against the World Champions no less:



There's something very warming about New Zealand still having a fighting chance of getting through to the last 16. It's like having a tubby child who's good at rounders.

The unfortunate truth about football - and one that is especially true at World Cups - is that Italy will still probably make the semi-finals, while the Kiwis are likely to get their backsides handed to them on a plate by a rampant Paraguay.

But they'll always have Nelspruit...

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Spain 0-1 Switzerland

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

SLOVAKIA 0-2 PARAGUAY

This weekend has been difficult.

I had to work the Saturday and, to my eternal frustration, this work took me to deepest, darkest East Sussex. A lovely part of the world, sure: but a part of the world that took me away from live football for the first time in 23 matches.

Consider this both a confession and an excuse: I missed my first live games of the World Cup yesterday (Saturday). I'm catching up with them as fast as I can, but this could not have come at a worse time.

The group games are still coming thick and fast, and Tuesday sees the beginning of their final rounds - i.e. four games a day for four days. I cannot afford to fall any further behind.

This is not simply important for the good of immediacy and relevance. It is also imperative for my sanity. Trust me: watching Holland 1-0 Japan when you already know the outcome is agony.

Slovakia versus Paraguay was the last of the re-runs to consume my time and, surprisingly, this was less painful than expected. Mainly thanks to a couple of lovely goals from the South Americans.

Having said that, Tshbalala remains my favourite. But with every game I find myself hoping that somebody will dislodge him. It would be odd to look back and think it never got any better than the first goal of the tournament:



Returning to the game in hand, this was my first World Cup experience of Martin Keown on co-commentary duty. For a pundit who I think of as smart, considered, at times even erudite, he was disappointing. He has a nasty habit of simply saying what he (and we) can already see - "he's hit that with the outside of his foot, into the corner of the goal" - like he's on 'Catchphrase'.

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Spain 0-1 Switzerland

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

CAMEROON 1-2 DENMARK

And so Cameroon have the ignominy of being the first team eliminated from the 2010 World Cup. Real shame. For them.

I'd much rather talk about Denmark.

The last time we spoke about the Danes (I hope to start at least three conversations with that exact line in the next seven days) I was struck by their ability to bring players back from the dead - or, in the case of Dennis Rommedahl, from NEC Nijmegen.

But just when you thought the cupboard was bare, they go and wheel out former Jon Dahl Tommasson, former Newcastle hero (3 goals in 23 appearances).

And, to really put sugar on the pastry, he's their captain!

Denmark's final group game (vs. Japan; Thursday 24th June, 19:30) will see the reformation of the 1986 front line: Preben Elkjaer, Jesper Olsen, and Michael Laudrup.



Jan Molby will sit in the hole just behind them. He won't be playing football. He'll just be sitting down. In a hole. Eating a doughnut.

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Spain 0-1 Switzerland

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

GHANA 1-1 AUSTRALIA

Australia don't have much luck in World Cups. If I was a rugby fan I'd probably say something here about Jonny Wilkinson 2003 and all that. But I'm not, so I won't.

What I will say something about is Lucas Neil 2006 and all this:



Never a penalty - although whether there was ever any sound is still up for debate.

I'm not saying that Ghana shouldn't have had a penalty, but surely a yellow card would have sufficed? I've not got a lot of time for Harry Kewell, but even undeserving recipients of Champions League winners medals (2005) don't deserve to be punished twice for, essentially, flinching when a jubulani is fired at them from ten yards.

This is the second reason that I don't work for FIFA (see previous entries).

One more thing: am I the only person who finds Ghana's goal celebration annoyingly contrived? It hardly reeks of spontaneous joy.

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Spain 0-1 Switzerland

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

HOLLAND 1-0 JAPAN

If ever there was a game of nearly's, then this was it.

Dirk Kuyt nearly pulled off a proper overhead bicycle kick; Wesley Sneijder (my BF) nearly scored a cracker - his goal was superbly hit, but straight at the goalkeeper making it considerably less impressive; Jonathan Pearce nearly got it right when he said that Japan had been impressive against England at Wembley - is that Wembley, Austria? And Holland were nearly decent.

But primarily, in the wake of the England debacle, I nearly cared.

Nearly:



THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Spain 0-1 Switzerland

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

ENGLAND 0-0 ALGERIA

The single most depressing England performance I have ever experienced.

This, on the other hand, is a really good cartoon:



Another dissatisfying outcome...

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Spain 0-1 Switzerland

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

SLOVENIA 2-2 USA

One of the things that I am most enjoying about this World Cup is that the 3pm kick offs start in the daylight and finish in the dark. Simple pleasures.

This was a pleasurable match though, regardless of photosynthesis.

Spain's approach play, coupled with Switzerland's resilience, are just about keeping Slov-US off the top spot in my Game of the Tournament chart. But this match also threw up the 2nd and 3rd best goals so far (I'll let you decide which is which).

Unfortunately, there are no prizes for finishing second or third: something I hope both these teams become acutely aware of next Wednesday afternoon. Just after it gets dark.

Here we go etc.



THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Spain 0-1 Switzerland

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

GERMANY 0-1 SERBIA

Oh no.

It's happening.

Whether we win the group, or they mess it up: it's England - Germany in the last 16.

Can you not feel it? The cold hand of fate.

If that does happen, and if the Germans do beat us on penalties, might I suggest Mr. Alberto Undiano Mallenco of Spain as a possible international World Cup scapegoat (joining a club that currently lists Maradona, Koeman, Simeone and Ronaldo as its members).

The nine yellow cards he dished out while refereeing this match might well have put us on a collision course with ye auld enemy.

Deep breath everyone:



They don't sing it like that anymore...

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Spain 0-1 Switzerland

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

FRANCE 0-2 MEXICO

France are brilliantly rubbish.

I don't know why I took such pleasure in this team of overrated sulking prima donas getting beat by the honest hard-working and skilful Mexicans. I'm not even Irish.

Mexico have some of my favourite players of the World Cup so far. Building on foundations laid by the Mexican George Clooney we have Guillermo Franco, Javier Hernandez, Giovani dos Santos - add to that Oscar Perez, their four foot three inch goalkeeper, and the 63-year-old Blanco, and you've got yourself a veritable Ocean's Eleven.

France, on the other hand, have some of my least favourite players of all time. None more so than Franck Ribery: the single most overrated player in World Football. So, no: I can't think why I took such pleasure in this result.

It would seem that French football is in such a state, that it makes the British economy look almost healthy. Coincidence?



In truth though, I think I just miss Zizou:



Best. Commentary. Ever.

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Spain 0-1 Switzerland

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

GREECE 2-1 NIGERIA

Saw the Nigerian goal outside a cafe, just round the corner from my home, where EVERY World Cup match is proudly being shown on two plasma screens in their outdoor courtyard. Coffee drinkers and passers by as one, gathered in the street to enjoy the Greek keeper get completely bamboozled by a phantom touch.

Lovely atmosphere - horrible goalkeeping.

One-time player of the tournament, Nigerian glove man Vincent Enyeama, unfortunately matched his counterpart's howler by gifting Greece their winner.

The 2004 European champions are not a pretty side and, some what because of this, the game must be filed under 'Interesting Enough - Ultimately Forgettable'.

Much like this:



THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Spain 0-1 Switzerland

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

ARGENTINA 4-1 SOUTH KOREA

It's all happening now - Diego(Maradona not Forlan)'s boys have found their ruthless streak, which spells danger.

Although, on this evidence, danger could be spelt M-e-s-s-i, because Lionel looks more and more special, and here seemed less determined to score 'that goal'. I can only assume he's been reading the blog.

After Argentina's first goal, Maradona was seen bouncing around the technical area looking for somebody to hug. It was, frankly, embarrassing. He looked like the unpopular kid at school; trying to be in the cool kids' gang.

This made me wonder how much credit The Squat One will get if his immensly-talented squad take the World Cup back to Buenos Aires. But perhaps I'm reading too much into it. Although when the next goal went in, he quickly, and aggressively, bear-hugged the nearest, unfortunate, member of coaching staff before they had any chance to recoil.



Finally: the vuvezelas were a bit annoying in this one. Primarily at the second goal. Because there was an offside shout, Peter Drury went momentarily silent, waiting to see if a flag had been raised.

His silence highlighted the crowd noise, which had remained exactly the same regardless of whether or not a goal had been scored. Real shame.

Oh well... Tubby Custard!

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Spain 0-1 Switzerland

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

SOUTH AFRICA 0-3 URUGUAY

Welcome to the future: four men (including one very disappointed South African), three iPhones, no problems.

Other than the abberation of any bar - and I do mean ANY bar - not showing the World Cup. I mean seriously... you don't even have to invest in Sky. Just wheel in the old portable and get everyone to gather round the tiny screen. If ITV are to be believed, that's exactly how the entire African continent are experiencing this tournament. But that's another story...

The story of this game was the adrenalin rush gained by seeing two teams play for the second time... for the first time. You with me?

Still heady with the excitement of the Swiss neutralising the European champions, this felt like watching a knockout tie. With the hosts now only capable of finishing on four points, there must be genuine concerns over further progress in their own World Cup.

Uruguay on the other hand, many people's dark horses (including mine), looked hungry. And a little fella' called Diego is my new player of the tournament.

Not only is he now on course for the golden boot (two goals) he also takes ALL the Uruguay set pieces. I couldn't believe how many times he popped up over the ball at restarts. It's only a matter of time before he starts taking goal-kicks and throw-ins.

He also has excellent hair and does a passable impression of He-Man:



THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Spain 0-1 Switzerland

Player of the tournament: Diego Forlan (Uruguay)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

SPAIN 0-1 SWITZERLAND

Now we're cooking on gas: ladies and gentlemen, the 2010 World Cup has officially started...

Let it be known that I've got a lot of time for Spain and I don't particularly take any great pleasure in seeing the most complete side in the competition get beat. But this game, and this result, was just what the football doctor ordered.

There was a lot of pressure on Spain going into this: as the pre-tournament favourites there was a growing sense that we couldn't judge the World Cup until we'd seen them play. And the match schedule had seemingly saved the best until last as Spain and Switzerland became the 31st and 32nd team to make their entrance. We were not disappointed.

But our confirmation did not take the form we expected - and thank goodness. Finally we have a proper football story to talk about rather than whingeing on about vuvuzelas and jabulanis.

Until this point everything had gone according to the script: France rubbish, Argentina wasteful, England calamitous, Italy slow starters, Germany good, Holland disappointing etc.

So thank you Switzerland - any team managed by Walter Matthau deserves the support of a neutral from time to time:



THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: Spain 0-1 Switzerland

Player of the tournament: Thomas Muller (Germany)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

HONDURAS 0-1 CHILE

OK - some serious catching up to do. Full day in office (Wed) has left me needing to write three entries prior to Argentina - South Korea (a game I am thoroughly looking forward to...). This is being made all the more difficult by a team of workmen banging away on my roof.

This is not a euphemism.

Watched Honduras - Chile online while listening to the Five Live commentary. This is a trick that is really bearing fruit as, in this instance, the radio was a full 20 seconds ahead of the pictures. This enabled me to down tools whenever something interesting happened in my ears and give the pop-up window my full concentration.

I'm not exactly re-inventing the wheel to say that Chile were good value for this one, although I was convinced their goal was an own goal. But I guess that's why I don't work for FIFA: an organisation who it appears, by a growing number of accounts, have re-invented the ball.

For the record, my favourite World Cup ball is the 1974 vintage:



THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: South Africa 1-1 Mexico

Player of the tournament: Thomas Muller (Germany)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

BRAZIL 2-1 NORTH KOREA

That last entry was a bit long. I was drunk when I wrote it.

This was after watching Brazil enter proceedings in one of the strangest restaurants I've ever eaten in. But I suppose that's what comes from choosing the venue based entirely on the size of their screen.

I had the steak & ale pie. It was average. But enjoyable.

Game 14 was enjoyably average as well. The Brazillians looked cold - although special mention must go to their coach Dunga, who premiered the finest display of casual knitwear in the tournament so far - and the North Koreans were busy and industrious, without ever really looking capable of avoiding defeat.

They kept the five time champions out for almost an hour [INSERT joke about North Korea and keeping other nations out HERE], until Maicon mishit a cross in the 55th minute.

Yes, you heard me. There's no way he meant that. The look up to the penalty spot - seeking out the pullback - just before he swung at the ball, off balance, gave him away. And yet since then, I've heard Andy Townsend talk about that hit as reminiscent of Carlos Alberto's goal in the 1970 final:



One of the greatest goals of all time - this one, not Maicon's.

I can only assume Townsend is suffering from altitude sickness.

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: South Africa 1-1 Mexico

Player of the tournament: Thomas Muller (Germany)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

IVORY COAST 0-0 PORTUGAL

The ITV gang were seriously down on this one. Why? I thought it was a cracker - if there had been a goal I was considering making this my game of the tournament. If anything I began to get mildly offended by the commentator's insistence that this game was a disappointment. What exactly were they expecting? 6-6?

Tetchy, physical, high tempo, a little bit gnarly: this was the first game between two teams who, you got the feeling, genuinely didn't like each other. It was great. And yet Drury & Beglin were determined to go on and on about the fact there was a Mexican Wave going around the stadium.

"Not always a good sign" said Drury. Oh, come on! If one more commentator repeats that sentence this tournament, I will buy myself a vuvuzela.

Jim Beglin remained determined to describe this one as "a pretty poor spectacle" on 86 minutes. By this stage I was wondering whether we were watching the same game. Which, in turn, got me thinking about context.

This goalless draw was watched online (not via ITV.com - oh no: ITV don't stream...) while at work in a west London office. This immediately made the whole experience more exciting. Dangerous even.

It was in the background, on my desktop, while I beavered away at my keyboard. Did this make me more likely to rate the match as a spectacle? Did this peek-a-boo viewing make it seem more exotic? Is the grass always greener?

I must admit to feeling more than a little bit jaded when I woke up on Sunday (admittedly the morning after the England - USA debacle) knowing that I had to watch THREE games of football that day. Including Algeria vs. Slovenia. Suddenly the World Cup felt like a chore. And yet today, another three-game challenge, felt exciting. Was this because I was watching incognito?

Not for the first time, I pondered the rose-tinted glasses that we football fans view tournaments of yesteryear. Many of my favourite memories are of games that I desperately wanted / tried to see, but failed. Or only caught glimpses of. Context is everything. Watching the whole thing is, strangely, less rewarding.

But that's not the attitude - not now. Not with 51 games still to go.

To conclude: just as I was pining for Barry Davies, Peter Drury made up for his previously pre-determined negativity by unleashing my favourite line of commentary on the competition so far.

As the familiar Ivory Coast manager made a substitution, our Peter proclaimed: "Sven-Goran Eriksson is tinkling the Ivories once more..."

Speaking of which:



THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: South Africa 1-1 Mexico

Player of the tournament: Thomas Muller (Germany)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

NEW ZEALAND 1-1 SLOVAKIA

First game watched entirely online - thank goodness for the BBC and their competent streaming. I fear for my chances with ITV at the helm this afternoon...

But what a great result for the romantics, and our first goal in stoppage time - always fun.

Watched this game accompanied by the Five Live commentary which, despite the game being pretty sluggish, made the whole experience most enjoyable.

Jackie Oakley (whose selection, at the risk of being sexist, must be taken as an indicator that the BBC had little faith in this fixture being a cracker) and Graham Taylor were excellent value. I particularly enjoyed their many references to the weather and the traffic. Oakley & Taylor to take over Drive Time, anyone?

Taylor's announcement that "you've got to be pleased for them" when New Zealand got their late eqauliser was genuinely warm. But it was far from surprising: you could clearly hear the former England manager shouting "YES!" off mic when the goal went in.

Lovely stuff.

Here's to New Zealand:



Oh no, wait a minute...

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: South Africa 1-1 Mexico

Player of the tournament: Thomas Muller (Germany)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

ITALY 1-1 PARAGUAY

At almost exactly the moment Italy fell behind in this tie, I smelt the pizza I had in the oven starting to burn. Was this an omen?

Well, as it turned out: no.

This felt like a proper World Cup game: ageing European giants against a rugged South American outfit - classic. I was intending to write about the crusty pizza and the crusty World Champions, when up popped De Rossi (looking less and less Italian with every passing tournament) to salvage a point.

But it was classic Italy: kicking off with a scrappy draw, looking thoroughly unconvincing, and yet you never really felt like they were going to lose. If they carry on like this, they're nailed on semi-finalists.

I was also intending to write about Mick McCarthy. I was going to point out - as if it needed highlighting - how depressed he always sounds in co-commentary. Nothing is good enough for our Mick. "The weather's miserable, the football is awful, and as for you Jonathan..." I'm paraphrasing.

But I've had a change of heart about the Wolves manager, because when Italy equalised he really made me laugh. "The Paraguay goalkeeper" - I'm paraphrasing again - "has made a right hash of that!" Immediately: there's a phrase that doesn't get enough air time on terrestrial television in this country. But, far from being satisfied with that, Mick then followed it up by describing the keeper as "doing a Superman". If you get the chance to see the Italy goal again, you'll see what he meant.

By way of a finale, he signed off with: "I think Paraguay have gone to five at the back. I don't think it's made them any better defensively. If anything, they're even worse."

Brilliant stuff.


THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: South Africa 1-1 Mexico

Player of the tournament: Thomas Muller (Germany)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

JAPAN 1-0 CAMEROON

Rushed back from Opticians for this one.

Got caught in complete and utter downpour.

I'm talking like 'Moby Dick' style rainfall.

It was not funny and I was forced to watch the game in my pants.

But the match itself was pretty fun - last ten minutes in particular. Before that it seemed that Cameroon just thought it was only a matter of time until they scored. They were incorrect.

Is this the closest to a 'shock result' that we've had so far? Probably.

Is this the closest to pneumonia I've been since the World Cup began? Definitely.

In case anyone was confused / interested in my Arie Haan / Any Harm reference last time out, consider this an antidote to your curiosity:



THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: South Africa 1-1 Mexico

Player of the tournament: Thomas Muller (Germany)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

HOLLAND 2-0 DENMARK

This World Cup's first all-European affair threw up a whole host of familiar faces.

Dennis Rommedahl (wasn't he supposed to be fastest player at the 2002 World Cup?); Jesper Gronkjaer and Giovanni van Bronckhorst (who knew these guys were still alive, let alone playing international football?).

Add to that RVP, Nicky Bendtner and Dirk "industrious" Kuyt [ENTER footballing euphemism HERE] and it felt a little bit like watching a Premier League game. Although I'm not sure how many Premier League games are attended by Johan Cruyff, Michel Platini and Zinedine Zidane.

Platini and Zizou were deep in conversation during this one. I can only assume that Michel was warning his countryman about the dangers of ballooning in weight once you've retired from football:



One man I would like to see in England is Wesley Sneijder; preferably just behind Rooney at the front of United's midfield diamond. Wasting free kicks by shooting from fifty yards - as Wes did after about half an hour today - might have to be stamped out. But then again, it didn't do Arie Haan any harm...

My desire to see Wesley in England might just be a symptom of the slight man crush that I have on him. Speaking of which (and returning briefly to the story of familiar faces) did anyone else spot Frank de Boer on the Dutch bench?

Sharp grey-suited and perma-tanned: he looked like a porn star on holiday.

In a good way.

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: South Africa 1-1 Mexico

Player of the tournament: Thomas Muller (Germany)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

GERMANY 4-0 AUSTRALIA

This was my most difficult fixture to date.

I missed two sections of this game. If those sections had been during a different match - say, Algeria-Slovenia - this would not have been a problem. Unfortunately, as I should have known, I missed Podolski's opening goal and Tim Cahill's sending off. Live. I've seen them now. Don't panic.

But, as I said, I should have known. And not just me. What is it with this "surprise" across the ITV panel at Germany being a good side?

Germany were always going to be good. If you didn't already know this, then you haven't watched a major international football tournament in the last 56 years. It's like being surprised that Brazil are good.

Only once in my lifetime have Germany taken a ropey side to a tournament:



In the next game they were beaten by, essentially, a Portugal 'B' team. But the damage had been done. England had been set up for a fall, and Germany had got their once-a-generation blip out of the way.

Back to Monday and there are problems afoot. Despite trying to work from home, it is inevitable that I will have to leave the house at some point today. Games are under threat. For one, I have to go to the Opticians.

Thankfully, today's fixtures are low-priority. I mean, come on, Italy aren't going to be any good...

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: South Africa 1-1 Mexico

Player of the tournament: Thomas Muller (Germany)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

SERBIA 0-1 GHANA

For the first sixty minutes I really wasn't paying much attention to this one.

I've discovered that my DAB radio is substantially ahead of my digital TV box, which means that I can be washing up in the kitchen and dash into the front room when anything of note happens. Superb stuff.

That the tournament so far has increased my interest in washing up probably reflects that it hasn't really caught fire yet. And my flat now has a constant trail of washing up bubbles between sink and TV.

Two decent sides in this game though. Both very strong in the tackle, and both could give England a hell of game in the last 16. You get the feeling that Ghana would have been comfortable winners with Essien on the pitch and might not have needed a penalty to get past their opponents.

Which brings me onto the standard of officiating in this World Cup so far. Is it just me, or has it been excellent? The referees and their assistants have got all the big decisions right with very little controversy. And perhaps that's what we're lacking. We could do with a bit of controversy to spice things up a bit. Let's be honest: football fans don't really want perfect officials...



Must dash - Marcel Desailly is having some sort of breakdown on ITV.

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: South Africa 1-1 Mexico

Player of the tournament: Vincent Enyeama (Nigeria)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

ALGERIA 0-1 SLOVENIA

This game did not disappoint.

So, instead, here's my favourite Tom & Jerry cartoon:



THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: South Africa 1-1 Mexico

Player of the tournament: Vincent Enyeama (Nigeria)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

ENGLAND 1-1 USA

I need to make a frank and heartbreaking confession.

Last night, moments before the incident - sitting in my front room with 42inch Dean, Mr. Brown, O Dog, and the cellist J.P.R. Mcgill - I proclaimed: "Rob Green is the safest pair of hands in the tournament".

Fuelled by two ales and a fourth minute Heskey assist, I committed the cardinal World Cup sin of 'believing'. I shall not be doing that again.

Let us remember happier times:



Today is a big test of my commitment: Algeria - Slovenia is hardly a glamour tie.

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: South Africa 1-1 Mexico

Player of the tournament: Vincent Enyeama (Nigeria)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

ARGENTINA 1-0 NIGERIA

BBC Radio Five Live, during the second half of this game, described Diego Maradona as being "just the wrong side of squat". I wish to add that to my list of footballing euphemisms (see previous entry).

Meanwhile, on the pitch: we've probably seen one of the potential winners of the tournament. Although, for me, Argentina played a little bit too much like a side trying to play like potential winners of the tournament.

None more so than Lionel Messi. He's the best footballer on the planet but he knows that, if history is going to elevate him alongside his current coach, he needs to dominate a World Cup finals. Here he played like a man determined to score a wonder goal. You get the feeling that, between now and July 11th, he'll get at least one. But he can probably do it without having to look so desperate.



The fact that Argentina could easily have come away from Johannesburg with only a point tells its own story. The fact that they didn't, spells trouble for the rest of us...

In other news: this match was accompanied by a bowl of chicken soup and a ham & pickle sandwich. That's the ham all finished.

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: South Africa 1-1 Mexico

Player of the tournament: Vincent Enyeama (Nigeria)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

SOUTH KOREA 2-0 GREECE

Phone call from Ed Dean meant I missed the first 90 seconds of game three. He wanted to know how big my TV screen was ahead of tonight. I told him 26 inches. He told me his was 42.

Feeling suitably inadequate, I thankfully then enjoyed football triumphing in Port Elizabeth, as the Taegeuk Warriors turned over a 'well-organised' Greek team.

'Well organised' is a footballing euphemism of the highest order. From the same dictionary of 'good shot-stopper' (a goalkeeper who can't catch) and 'tremendous athlete' (a player who runs around a lot; usually aimlessly), for 'well-organised' read 'defence-minded, cynical spoilers'.

Of course my biggest problem with Greece is that they prevented the 'golden generation' from winning Euro 2004. Not Portugal's - England's:



Seriously, if Rooney hadn't got injured...

But there's no time to dwell on past opportunities: Jurgen Klinsmann is on the beeb talking about Maradona.

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: South Africa 1-1 Mexico

Player of the tournament: Cha Doo-ri (South Korea)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

URUGUAY 0-0 FRANCE

Very poor - both the game and the BBC coverage.

Flat, uninspired, bereft of new ideas, living on former glories: and France were rubbish as well (thank you - I'm here all week etc.).

At times, the former world champions (take your pick) resorted to aimlessly hoofing it over the top of a static midfield. Ugly scenes.

I found the whole thing so depressing that I couldn't bring myself to finish this entry last night. Instead I had a glass of cider with ice - desperate times.

What upset me most was the brutal reminder of what I've let myself in for: crushing disappointment. The opening game blinded me to the reality that a lot of World Cup matches are quite simply terrible games of football.

Was last night the first of many?

The last World Cup contained 7 goalless draws. Some were pure theatre:



Others (step forward Mexico - Angola) were not.

Thanks a lot France - Uruguay! I skipped dinner for that...

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: South Africa 1-1 Mexico

Player of the tournament: Bongani Khumalo (South Africa)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

SOUTH AFRICA 1-1 MEXICO

And they're off!

Cracking opening game, despite the kick-off being delayed by excessive Blatter (nobody was there to see you, Sepp!), and the vuvuzelas rattling my fillings for the first twenty minutes.

It actually properly looked like the World Cup - Soccer City doing a decent impression of the San Siro at Italia '90:



Despite Adrian Chiles suggesting that the world wanted South Africa to win, I must admit to cheering on Mexico, so was thrilled when they equalised through the Mexican George Clooney (aka Rafael Marquez).

For the record: I watched the opening game accompanied by a glass of cranberry juice, a ham / cheese / pickle sandwich, two cups of Earl Grey tea, and a chocolate brownie. Why? Because I'm a bloody bloke...

THE STORY SO FAR

Match of the tournament: South Africa 1-1 Mexico

Player of the tournament: Bongani Khumalo (South Africa)

Goal of the tournament: Tshabalala (South Africa v Mexico)

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS...

... when all through the house...

... lay World Cup wallcharts, bumper colour supplements, pull-out newpaper guides, a VHS copy of "The World's Greatest Goals: A History Of The World Cup From Charlton To Maradona", and one ever-so-slightly over excited me.

At this juncture I feel compelled to reprimand those of you who don't think the World Cup starts until 7:30pm on Saturday night, when Fabio's boys take on the USA. From tomorrow, at 3pm (classic kick-off time: thank you SA time zone!), I will barely be able to look you fair weather sorts in the eye.

Not because I'm particularly angry - just because I'll be glued to Mexico - South Africa. And then after that, two former world champions go head to head: France (1998) and Uruguay (1930 & 1950).

And on that subject, here's a stat that I worked out all on my ownsome: no team have won their FIRST World Cup on foreign soil since Brazil, in Sweden, in 1958. And before that ONLY West Germany (Switzerland, 1954) had EVER done it. It's only been achieved twice in 70 years! This spells trouble for Spain, Holland, and Portugal - three teams who will have designs on their first title this year.

Now I don't remember Uruguay winning their tournaments, but when France thumped Brazil in Paris I was just arriving at my Uncle Jim's house in Maryland, USA. By the time I got in sight of a TV, the hosts were already 2-0 up thanks to the best footballer I have ever seen in my 24 years as an armchair fan.

Maradona very nearly won two tournaments all by himself. So did Zidane.

Maradona is clearly as mad as a sack of squirrels. Ditto Zizou.

But, sorry Diego, Zinedine was better in the air:



Not to mention the fact that, just this week, Zidane lined up alongside Mike Myers and Woody Harrelson for a Rest of the World XI on Soccer Aid.

Which makes you wonder: when Lionel Messi skips past a cluster of Nigerian defenders on Saturday (Argentina - Nigeria; 15:00) will he have, in the back of his mind, the thought that, if he plays his cards right, he too could find himself in a one on one with Jamie Theakston in 12 years' time?

But let's be honest, that's never going to happen.

By that time, Theakston will be 51.

THIS TIME NEXT WEEK...

Group A will be one third of the way complete.

South Africa will have played Mexico and France will have played Uruguay.

The 2010 World Cup will only have 62 matches left to play.

A friend of mine, this very evening, mused that "perhaps non-football fans don't realise that from next Friday, there will be THREE games on every day".

While I agree with the sentiment, I feel I really should correct this statement, replacing excitement with fact:

Friday 11th June: TWO games
Sat 12th - Mon 21st June: THREE games a day
Tues 22nd - Fri 25th June: FOUR games a day
Sat 26th - Tues 29th June: TWO games a day (second round)

Wed 30th & Thurs 1st July: REST DAYS

Fri 2nd & Sat 3rd July: TWO games a day (quarter finals)

Sun 4th & Mon 5th July: REST DAYS

Tues 6th & Wed 7th July: ONE game a day (semi-finals)

Thurs 8th July & Fri 9th July: REST DAYS

Sat 10th July: ONE game (3rd/4th place play off)
Sun 11th July: ONE game (world cup final)

I step away from that list with two thoughts:

1) how cute that the World Cup still has a third / fourth place play off...
2) those REST DAYS are key - and I don't mean for the players, I mean for us armchair fans. These are the days when things must get done (seeing non-football friends, calling family members, eating a decent meal etc.), but these are also the days that we must REST. By the time the first one comes around (Wed 30th June), 24 teams will already have been eliminated.

24! Between 1982 and 1998 that was the total number of teams competing in the finals!

Which begs the question: would England have progressed to the semi-finals in 1990 in a 32-team tournament? Watch this and get goosebumps while you think about it:



But speaking of England: the worst thing about Emile putting Rio out of the World Cup is that now we have a serious 'greedy hands' issue surrounding the inevitable trophy presentation.

Take a look at any recent major final and you'll see that there's a problem with modern footballers and their sweaty little mitts. They can't help themselves - no sooner has the poor Captain got his hands on the trophy (and being the first to do so is surely the one BIG bonus of his job) then he's descended upon by his team mates, all jumping up and down and singing "Campiones! Campiones! Ole - ole - ole!"

Gone are the days where a proud Captain can take a moment to compose himself, maybe giving the trophy a little kiss, before hoisting it over his head to an explosion of noise around him.

Between them: FIFA, UEFA, the FA, and the need for huge sponsored 'presentation areas', have reduced the art of trophy lifting to little more than a bun fight for the bouquet at a particularly rough wedding. And that's BEFORE you introduce the problem of who is supposed to be the ACTUAL Captain.

So stand aside the suspended Laurent Blanc (complete with 'civilian' wristwatch) watching on awkwardly as Didier Deschamps lifts Blanc's World Cup for France in 1998; forget Schmeichel & Ferguson grappling with the European Cup as Roy Keane fumes in his club suit behind an incomprehensively prominent David May in 1999; because the England team of 2010 could take this farce to the next level.

Sepp Blatter and chums are well advised to dive behind their nearest official partners' hoarding, rather than get in between nominal vice-captain Stevie G, injured captain Rio Ferdinand, ousted skipper John Terry, and everyone's favourite non-playing squad member, Mr. D. Beckham, as they scuffle for the privilege of being the first to thrust the World Cup above their heads and shout "COME ON!".

And, while we're on the subject, let's not lie to ourselves anymore: we all know that our David is in South Africa because essentially, and certainly in the eyes of the rest of the world, he is still the England captain. And he knows it.

IS THIS A GOOD IDEA?

The start of the 2010 World Cup is now only 9 days away (South Africa vs. Mexico; June 11th, 15:00) and I am excited.

I am 31 years old and discovered football aged 7 during the 1986 World Cup in Mexico. I wasn't in Mexico. I was in Wooburn Green, just outside High Wycombe, watching it on TV with my Dad.

The first football match I ever watched was a group game in that very tournament: Scotland vs. West Germany. Scotland lost 2-1, but not before taking the lead through a little ginger winger called Gordon Strachan. I have ginger hair.

Gordon Strachan, at that time, played for Manchester United. My Dad is a United fan. Later that summer, he (my Dad) bought me my very first Shoot! magazine. Gordon Strachan was on the front cover in a Man Utd kit.

And that is why I'm a United fan living in London.

I'm not proud but, just like Popeye the Sailor Man, I am what I am. I also enjoy eating spinach. This is something I thought I should get off my chest up front. Not the spinach thing... I don't feel like I need to justify healthy eating.

But my point is, this is my SEVENTH world cup. And this particular one offers a potentially unique opportunity. For this year alone, I am not 7 years old ('86). Nor am I about to start secondary school ('90). Neither am I studying for my GCSEs ('94). I'm not on a Gap Year in the soccer-unfriendly USA ('98). I'm no longer working as a local news cameraman in Somerset ('02). And I'm not writing a football-based drama for a major satellite broadcaster ('06).

In fact, what I'm doing right now, is listening to Thin Lizzy in my pyjamas (how Phil Lynott got in my pyjamas I will never know etc.). I have recently returned to the world of the freelancer after two years of proper employment. And one of the attractions of working freelance (aside from the complimentary anxiety and uncertainty that comes as standard) is being your own boss and managing your own time.

My real point is... the World Cup of 2010 is about to start and there's a chance I might be able to watch it. All of it.

64 games of football. One glorious month.

There are a couple of obvious hurdles: 1) the final games in each group kick off simultaneously. Step forward: the internet and a TV (I believe they call it 'co-viewing'). 2) This will probably prove incredibly anti-social. I've already had to cancel a dinner date due to an England game, and have agreed to a family gathering on the proviso that Ivory Coast-Brazil will be available on TV.

With these things in mind I want to make one thing very clear: I am NOT Danny Wallace. I do not intend to do 'random' things simply to prove a point. I do not intend to ruin my career, my friendships, or my relationship by being stubborn to the point of idiocy. I'm not about to turn down work or invitations to weddings or not go to my grandmother's funeral because I'm watching Switzerland vs. Hondurus (25th June; 19:30). I simply want to watch as much football as I possibly can over the next four and a bit weeks. That's not too much to ask, is it?

My friend and colleague, Ian Symes, told me that if I really was going to try and watch ALL of the World Cup then I should blog about it. Ian: this is for you.

See you on the other side...

[And Gran, if you're reading this: please try and hang on until at least July 12th]